Thursday, September 25, 2008

Abandon All Hope


So here I am. I have a fairly strong premonition that very few wandering souls will visit this source of fragmented and misplaced wisdom, this beautiful, fleeting whirlwind of bad advice, but here it will remain nonetheless. My unintelligent banter will almost always run too long, rendering the reader retarded and scattering any preexisting interest to the winds. Every post will undoubtedly be brimming with romanticism and self interests, egotism and axioms, obvious things lacking anything worth anyone's time or attention. Most sentences will fail even to complete a thought, and continuity will most assuredly be nowhere within them, yet, here I am, my friends, your prophet of bad humor.
At times it may seem that the writings etched into history on these pages are of a mortal's making. Be assured, that could not be further from the truth. I am Metatron. I am an oracle. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not wrong more often than I'm right. I was always a bit on the nerdy side at the beginnings of Heaven. I spent all my adolescent life being taunted by the Cudgels (those warrior angels who fought Satan in the beginning), and wanted nothing more than to be in their ranks, but some of us are not so lucky. Even God gives me bad information sometimes just to be a jerk, so, if I'm wrong, you can just as soon blame him.
Anyway, I'm rambling. All that aside, feel free to delve into my archive of worthlessness anytime you can't locate Ipecac or just have masochistic tendencies. Also, ask at your whim, any question needing misguidance, and I will gladly steer you in a bad direction. That's what my omniscient, bulging gray matter is here for. I know what you're thinking: "Why would such a powerful, all knowing being choose the internet as his medium of influence?" And my response: I'm all knowing, and your atrophying human brains wouldn't understand the depths of my reasoning, so deliberate amongst your masses and come to whatever answer leaves you the most proud of yourselves.

You have been warned, so expect no apologies. Today, oh, what a beautiful day, it begins...